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Easy Jet
Category:
Funny Quotes
Rating:
0
Contributor:
D Harris
 JOKE TEXT


Easy Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Easy Jet flight (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing when a
flight attendant announced, " People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it! "


On another Easy Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing, the stewardess said, " Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we 'd like to have."



"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane. "


"Thank you for flying Easy Jet. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Inverness Airport, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Glasgow, a
flight attendant on an Easy Jet flight announced, " Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as
hell everything has shifted."
>From an Easy Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Easy Jet Flight 245
to Nice. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."



"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting
with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick
your favourite."


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Easy Jet Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Easy Jet Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Easy Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edinburgh.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's
fault, it was the asphalt."



Overheard on an Easy Jet Airlines flight into London!
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to London. Please remain in
your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no,! Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



After a real crusher of a landing in Belfast, the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope
you'll think of Easy Jet Airways."


Heard on an Easy Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you
can light'em, you can smoke'em."


A plane was taking off from the Edinburgh Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 245, non-stop from Edinburgh to Nice. The weather
ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"


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