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Alcohoroscope
Category:
Drink Jokes
Rating:
0
Contributor:
nutter
 JOKE TEXT


ARIES
>
> Drinking style
> Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to
> call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
> closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
> mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
> good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.
> Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
> whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They
> can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone
> and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the
> ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers
> recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right,
> Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules
> grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea
> breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon
> liqueur in it.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore,
> Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah
> Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon
>
>
>
> TAURUS
>
> Drinking style
> Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow
> rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a
> one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who
> spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
> preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
> barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
> the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will
> get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is
> extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark
> cocktails Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull
> and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks
> with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly
> caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More
> macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke
> or whiskey sour.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William
> Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee
> Zellweger
>
>
>
> GEMINI
>
> Drinking style
> Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so
> naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
> sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion,
> then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
> intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
> ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
> tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different
> cocktails every round -- repetition is boring
> -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
> limoncello) for their own amusement.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their
> drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double),
> are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map,
> ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys
> or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini
> rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.
>
> Drinking buddies
> George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen
> Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue,
> Morrissey
>
>
>
> CANCER
>
> Drinking style
> Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
> after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
> darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
> against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
> and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
> Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
> (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping
> stories (and
> spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer.
> Even your second-favorite Cancer will do.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the
> idea of moonshine -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey
> and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also
> like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot
> buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be
> adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford,
> Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William
>
>
>
> LEO
>
> Drinking style
> Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
> usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity
> and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling --
> Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably
> because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,
> expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung
> them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try
> to ignore it (try harder,
> Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you
> the next day.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated
> tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the
> more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a
> taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the
> next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of
> course.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer
> Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol
>
>
>
> VIRGO
>
> Drinking style
> Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their
> famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other
> signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking
> down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully
> shellacked
> -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but
> there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
> walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
> friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
> intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
>
> Trademark cocktails: Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks
> like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking
> anything
> --
> from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a
> dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like
> Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it,
> however.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
> Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu
> Reeves, Lily Tomlin
>
>
>
> LIBRA
>
> Drinking style
> "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn
> social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to
> everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
> device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
> instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as
> they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which
> can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
> boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's
> beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
>
> Trademark cocktails: Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a
> pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their
> ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions
> like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple
> martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh
> Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde,
> Catherine Zeta-Jones
>
>
>
> SCORPIO
>
> Drinking style
> Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you
> and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering
> drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if
> you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to
> savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if
> depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally,
> they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and
> dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you
> did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile
> while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's
> sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal,
> serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows
> you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the
> blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em --
> though red wine will do the trick just as well.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill
> Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul
>
>
>
> SAGITTARIUS
>
> In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When
> buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
> Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is
> a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of
> Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're
> the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
> crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
> Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
> possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty
> call).
>
> Trademark cocktails
> A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like
> Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea
> (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay
> vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots,
> like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice
> pear cider right about now, come to think of it.
>
> Drinking buddies
> The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad
> Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears
>
>
>
> CAPRICORN
>
> Drinking style
> Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and
> status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological
> cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie
> Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
> independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
> please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
> But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off,
> and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy
> the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an
> old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a
> gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste
> like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients.
> However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if
> they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther
> King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis
> Presley
>
>
>
> AQUARIUS
>
> Drinking style
> Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water,
> that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if
> they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
> stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,
> they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they
> make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
> usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated
> drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):
> Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
> interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
>
> Trademark cocktails: Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have
> never heard of a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur
> Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color
> electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao.
> They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty
> martini.
>
> Drinking buddies
> Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton
> Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah
> Winfrey, Elijah Wood
>
>
>
> PISCES
>
> Drinking style
> If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign
> -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and
> Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
> out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty
> tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
> hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or
> in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
> margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
> personality" can be read two ways, you know.
>
> Trademark Cocktails: Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito
> or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches,
> like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much
> anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a
> fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.)
> Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa).
>
> Drinking buddies
> Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward
> Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor
>


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