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40 Ways Women Fail in Bed
Category:
Sex Jokes
Rating:
0
Contributor:
nutter
 JOKE TEXT


40 Ways Women Fail in Bed...


1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were
milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to
strengthen the forearms. The male
organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held
tenderly at all times. The
sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds
of the way down.


2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement
of
nature to be treated gently. Don't
squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you
have
long nails pull them off with
pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.


3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and
forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected,
kissed and licked from every angle.


4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show
your appreciation, at least make some
sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his
biscuits whenever he wants. A finger
up his arse should do the trick


5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say:
"I'm just waiting for a call from my
hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the
meantime." Ringing bells might have turned
Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him


6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets
carried away and says things like "Ride
my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your
mouth
with my fresh, white love juice.
Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just
be grateful you've got a guy who
can speak whole sentences


7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants
you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not
likely to cause permanent blindness
in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for
his
happiness.


8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be
asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over
and present. You know you love it.


9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he
does not want to touch you. You
should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night
stand
you should leave the premises
without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.


10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it.
If
you don't like it that much, still
offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.


11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean
his sheets and any ball bag
drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.


12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body, as you
will force him to lie. Men don't like
fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns
and thighs. There is no such thing as
the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle,
Naomi
et al could still lose a few
pounds -so what chance have you got?


13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are
you going to come soon." If you were
doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question.
If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you
and
takes more than 10 minutes you
should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union
between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.



14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's
ever had. Most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man
to lie about such an important
thing.


15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both
parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard
and skilful work. We don't mind that
and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least
put some effort into the act to show
your appreciation.


16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who
can satisfy two women at a time
don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your
friends
joins you to make up a threesome.
If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might
learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.


17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It
makes your pussy look like a piece of
poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a
ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go
for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy
models that your man would rather be
shagging.


18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate
and get his aim right into your
mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey
texture. You should lay with semen
like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from
side to side. A line like "I love it
when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.


19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and
energy he has expended on making love to
you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)
you managed to achieve an orgasm. A
man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always
nice when one's prowess is
appreciated.


20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after-sex glow to seek favours or
make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the
urge to ask: "Do you think I should
buy that dress / skirt / sofa / Mercedes / country cottage?" there is a
name for the practice of mixing sex
with material gain -prostitution.


21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being
IN BED. Very few countries have
statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with
some sex in the study, bonking in the
bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might
imagine he's bonking someone sexy and
adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.


22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be
excited after receiving a mouthful of
cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your
man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE
doesn't. Be considerate, please.


23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please
make an effort to cover up as much as
possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If
you've got a half-decent arse but no
tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre
mummeries with something silky.


24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason,
so
please don't insist on seeing
what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a love bite from a
bonk earlier that day, it is his
right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can
imagine he's shafting Natalie
Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.


25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1): Never embarrass a gentleman by
challenging
him to remember your name after
he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name,
he would have.


26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out
another woman's name during the
sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal
with
many more people at work, football
club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally
innocent. Of course, he might be
shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he
should make such an obvious
mistake.


27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and then let his
proud stiffy whither while you go to
the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your
body. The male erection can be
sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look
presentable. If you must follow a
strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to
snore.


28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be
taken
literally. I know it's hard to
resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.


29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as
part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the
bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable
working over. Better allow for
45minutes at least.


30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the
important skill of fellatio. To be
regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of
tricks. These should include a
penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of
your
man's anal region.


31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during
those special moments (so he can
remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in
a gorgeous, pouting way for the
camera or video camera.


32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the
pink clam, please give it a bit of a
wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.


33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil
everybody's
fun by insisting on having one
every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel
free to announce them.


34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing
to
but please do not a) pretend your
period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without
and let your man catch up with his
fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and
the girls he shagged before he met
you.


35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on
the
blob, it doesn't mean his natural
and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the
duration of your period. Use this special
time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.


36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some
encouragement and then not finishing the
job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of
his body. So if he's got a stiffy,
you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural
conclusion.


37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please
understand if he should occasionally
(say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take
it
as a compliment that he feels so
relaxed.


38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a
sultry temptress with long eyelashes
and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged
his porridge gun or fallen asleep.
If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the
terrible
secret hidden beneath your
caked-on make-up.


39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping
on the damp patch. If God wanted men
to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.


40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex
are hardcore porn (especially
involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting
programmes to be watched.







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