Q. What do you call an Englishmen with a trophy?


A. A thief.


What's the difference between an Australian and an Englishmen?
Australians are born winners


And why are you jumping on the English bandwagon? Cumbria is almost
considered Welsh!!!
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?
At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.


What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.


There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter
speed so
fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.


What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.


What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.


Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?
It's not worth shitting on.


Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!!


What do you call a field full of Australians?
A vacant lot.


Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think
Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.


How do you define 144 Australians?
Gross stupidity.


The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied,
"I'm
5'11" and sitting in the front seat."


What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?
A cheat.


What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?
Gifted


If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and
you
tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?
The blonde - the other two don't exist.


How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.


What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.


Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him a week later.


An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor
to find
out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "This is a very
delicate
operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to
remove half
your brain."
"That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and
I'm
prepared to take the risk."
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of
horror on
the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!' the doctor said
`Instead of
removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out!"
The patient replied,"It's all right mate, I'll settle for being
Australian
instead"


Newsflash! Prime Minster Howards's library burned down at the
weekend and
two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't
finished
colouring in one of them.