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Irish Humor
Category:
Irish Jokes
Rating:
0
Contributor:
nutter
 JOKE TEXT


Irish Humor




>Irish Prayer
>
>Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
>slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
>running down his leg.
>
>"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Irish Shopping
>
>McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
>removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
>with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
>
>"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
>done, "what was that all about?"
>
>"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
>olives!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>You've Been Out Drinking Again
>
>An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
>said that the bar is closing.
>
>So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
>one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
>fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
>
>Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
>crawl the four blocks home.
>
>When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He
>crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
>
>When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
>managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
>and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
>
>He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
>"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
>
>Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
>makes you say that?"
>
>"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>I've Lost Me Luggage
>
>An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
>with tears streaming down his cheeks.
>
>An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
>
>"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
>
>"How'd that happen?"
>
>"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
>
>"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
>
>Water to Wine
>
>An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
>in Connecticut.
>
>The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
>empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
>
>He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
>
>"Just water," says the priest.
>
>The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
>
>The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
>
>He's done it again!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>The Reunion
>
>A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
>buy him a drink.
>
>"Why, of course," comes the reply.
>
>The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
>
>"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
>
>The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
>another round to Ireland."
>
>"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks:
>
>"Where in Ireland?"
>
>"Dublin," comes the reply.
>
>"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
>
>"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did
>you attend?"
>
>"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
>
>"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in unison.
>
>About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
>
>"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
>
>"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
>again!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>The Brothel
>
>Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
>across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
>one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
>
>Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
>"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
>
>Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
>said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Lost at Sea
>
>Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
>dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
>
>While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
>old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
>vigorously.
>
>To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
>however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
>three.
>
>Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
>entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
>
>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>
>Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on
>the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
>circumstances.
>
>Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
>
>After a long, tensionxfilled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now
>we're going to have to pee in the boat."


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