Dear employee:
>
> As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we
> are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
> employees will be asked to take early retirement,
> thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
>
> Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
> fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
>
> This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
>
> Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
> outside the company.
>
> SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
> actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
> called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
>
> All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
> upper management
>
> This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following
> Termination).
>
> Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
> twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
>
> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
> HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
> (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
>
> As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who
> has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P.. will no longer be SLAPPED or
> SCREWED by the company.
>
> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
> the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
> Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
>
>
> We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
> given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
> employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
> immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you
> receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
>
> And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
>
> The Management