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THE TIMES--Letter of the Year
Category:
Funny News
Rating:
0
Contributor:
nobhead
 JOKE TEXT


An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.



Dear Sir,



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three

'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and

the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of

course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement

which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be

commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for

debiting my account 30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused

to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.



I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and

letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a fl esh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.



Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person

to open such an envelope.



Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your

chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in

order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,

there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her

medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory

details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than

28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses

required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to

the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While

this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play

for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.



Your Humble Client



***************************

Addendum from The Editor:





IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a 98

year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?



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