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Wife Jokes
D Harris

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

Where have you been? his wife demanded.

I cant lie to you, he replied,

Im having an affair with my secretary.

We had s *x all afternoon.

She looked down at his shoes and said:

You lying b* stard!

Youve been p laying golf!

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: Theres no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

Not this time!

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

Im sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician

commented, I cant allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

I have something to show

you wont believe, he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

My God! the wife exclaimed,

Schwartz is dead!

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

Dont move until I tell you,

she said, pretend youre a statue.

Whats this? the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

Oh its a statue, she replied,

the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

Here, he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a d* mned thing.

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

Certainly, Sir, thatll be one cent.

One Cent? the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?

A nickel, the barman replied.

A nickel? exclaimed the man.

Wheres the guy who owns this place?

The bartender replied:

Upstairs, with my wife.

The man asked: Whats he doing upstairs

with your wife?

The bartender replied:

The same thing Im doing

to his business down here.

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

I have something I must confess.

Theres no need to, his wife replied.

No, he insisted,

I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!

I know, she replied,

now just rest and let the poison work.

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