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Good Quotes
Funny Quotes

Good Quotes

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue . .
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out!!
~ Unknown

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may
die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most
things. ~Jilly Cooper!

I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires.......but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little
later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you
grow older, it will avoid you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out. ~Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal

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