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Political Jokes

I'm now in charge......
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You
should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
"aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will
be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is
pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often 2. There is no such thing
as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You should learn to distinguish the
English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents
are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon."
If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be
required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood
will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and
watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the
humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your
original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half
way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side
by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day" 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are
Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while
in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt
per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of
Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13.
From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will
be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get
used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation we are now in charge.

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