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How to be a Man
Bloke Jokes

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
>it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
>men's work.
>2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
>makes you the man
>3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
>tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
>crippling the man. Mustard.
>4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
>love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
>5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
>you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
>-noisy destruction.
>6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat
>on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
>towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
>to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
>7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
>8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
>burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
>9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
>they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
>hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
>10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
>share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
>"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
>11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
>handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
>12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
>becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
>13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
>you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
>the pub doesn't know that.
>14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
>Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
>15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
>blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
>now your dad.
>16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
>17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
>with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
>then, we'll make do with the aisles.
>18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
>plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
>thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
>19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
>straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
>then.Seven. Seeya."
>20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
>that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
>you the worlds best driver.
>21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
>the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
>in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
>other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
>22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
>make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
>23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
>mad, bint?"
>24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
>right, I'm going in there and may be a while

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