Offensive Jokes Logo
Offensive Jokes LOL
Offensive Jokes
Offensive Jokes
Offensive Jokes
Offensive Jokes Add an Offensive Joke Top Offensive Jokes Latest Offensive Jokes Search for Offensive Jokes Contact Offensive Jokes
Offensive Jokes Categories
Bloke Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Drink Jokes
Essex Jokes
Fat Jokes
Footy Jokes
Funny News
Funny Quotes
Girly Jokes
Golf Jokes
Husband Jokes
Irish Jokes
Job Jokes
Kids Jokes
Love Jokes
Mad Jokes
Medical Jokes
Office Jokes
One Liners
Pet Jokes
Photo Jokes
Police Jokes
Political Jokes
Religious Jokes
Sex Jokes
Sports Jokes
Wife Jokes
Women Jokes
Wrinklies Jokes

Joke Stuff

About Offensive Jokes 
Terms & Conditions 
Subscribe to our newletter.

Bookmark with;   Bookmark to: Digg   Bookmark to:   Bookmark to: Facebook   Bookmark to: StumbleUpon   Bookmark to: Google   Bookmark to: Twitter

Drink Jokes

> Drinking style
> Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to
> call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
> closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
> mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
> good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.
> Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
> whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They
> can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone
> and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
> Trademark cocktails: Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the
> ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers
> recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right,
> Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules
> grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea
> breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon
> liqueur in it.
> Drinking buddies
> Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore,
> Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah
> Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon
> Drinking style
> Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow
> rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a
> one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who
> spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
> preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
> barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
> the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will
> get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is
> extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark
> cocktails Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull
> and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks
> with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly
> caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More
> macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke
> or whiskey sour.
> Drinking buddies
> Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William
> Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee
> Zellweger
> Drinking style
> Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so
> naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
> sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion,
> then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
> intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
> ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
> tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different
> cocktails every round -- repetition is boring
> -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
> limoncello) for their own amusement.
> Trademark cocktails: Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their
> drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double),
> are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map,
> ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys
> or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini
> rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.
> Drinking buddies
> George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen
> Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue,
> Morrissey
> Drinking style
> Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
> after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
> darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
> against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
> and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
> Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
> (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping
> stories (and
> spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer.
> Even your second-favorite Cancer will do.
> Trademark cocktails: Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the
> idea of moonshine -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey
> and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also
> like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot
> buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be
> adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
> Drinking buddies
> Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford,
> Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William
> Drinking style
> Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
> usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity
> and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling --
> Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably
> because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,
> expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung
> them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try
> to ignore it (try harder,
> Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you
> the next day.
> Trademark cocktails: Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated
> tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the
> more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a
> taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the
> next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of
> course.
> Drinking buddies
> Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer
> Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol
> Drinking style
> Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their
> famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other
> signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking
> down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully
> shellacked
> -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but
> there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
> walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
> friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
> intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
> Trademark cocktails: Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks
> like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking
> anything
> --
> from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a
> dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like
> Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it,
> however.
> Drinking buddies
> Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
> Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu
> Reeves, Lily Tomlin
> Drinking style
> "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn
> social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to
> everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
> device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
> instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as
> they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which
> can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
> boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's
> beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
> Trademark cocktails: Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a
> pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their
> ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions
> like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple
> martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.
> Drinking buddies
> Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh
> Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde,
> Catherine Zeta-Jones
> Drinking style
> Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you
> and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering
> drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if
> you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to
> savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if
> depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally,
> they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and
> dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you
> did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
> Trademark cocktails: Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile
> while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's
> sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal,
> serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows
> you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the
> blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em --
> though red wine will do the trick just as well.
> Drinking buddies
> Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill
> Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul
> In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When
> buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
> Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is
> a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of
> Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're
> the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
> crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
> Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
> possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty
> call).
> Trademark cocktails
> A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like
> Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea
> (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay
> vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots,
> like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice
> pear cider right about now, come to think of it.
> Drinking buddies
> The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad
> Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears
> Drinking style
> Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and
> status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological
> cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie
> Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
> independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
> please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
> But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off,
> and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy
> the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
> Trademark cocktails: Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an
> old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a
> gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste
> like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients.
> However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if
> they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.
> Drinking buddies
> Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther
> King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis
> Presley
> Drinking style
> Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water,
> that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if
> they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
> stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,
> they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they
> make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
> usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated
> drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):
> Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
> interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
> Trademark cocktails: Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have
> never heard of a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur
> Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color
> electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao.
> They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty
> martini.
> Drinking buddies
> Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton
> Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah
> Winfrey, Elijah Wood
> Drinking style
> If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign
> -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and
> Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
> out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty
> tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
> hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or
> in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
> margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
> personality" can be read two ways, you know.
> Trademark Cocktails: Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito
> or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches,
> like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much
> anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a
> fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.)
> Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa).
> Drinking buddies
> Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward
> Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor

No Image

Copyright Offensive Jokes 2006