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Reportedly an actual personals ad
Police Jokes


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy
wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I can only hope that you
somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
to actually crap in your pants when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was
wear ing the jacket for a reason. My
girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head
... Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes,
phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented
you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
I explained the entire episode of what you'd
done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four
people in the gas station, -- on your credit
card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
all the cash in your wallet. [That made his

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
at the curb ... After I broke the windshield
and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. M a
Bell just now shut down the line, although I only
used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel
this type of retribution is a far more
appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you
try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you
not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,


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